The title of my blog should be an indication that I have sleep issues. I've struggled with getting a good night's sleep since my teen years. I've tried many different things: warm baths, reading, aroma therapy, soft music, sounds of nature, exercising, medications, herbal teas, etc. Several of these things have worked, but only for a short time. I lie in bed and a plethora of thoughts will run around in a tizzy, much like ants do when their hills are disrupted. No matter how physically tired I am, most nights I toss and turn, envious of the sounds of slumber my husband and kids are making. I hear street noise, crickets and the wind - other sounds made only in my imagination. I picture family members living and passed. I worry if I'm doing enough for my kids, my husband, and my God. I think of what needs to be accomplished tomorrow. I recount my short comings and berate myself for my weaknesses. I try to sing myself to sleep. I try to pray but then my mind wanders and I feel guilty because I can't concentrate long enough to talk to my heavenly Father. I stress out that time is passing and I'm still awake at midnight, 1:30 a.m., 2:45 a.m., and so on. I hate that my mind won't cooperate but insists on rebelling against the moon and stars that indicate it's time for rest. I regret that I'm not a morning person like my husband, and that I don't get to see him when he's rested. I long to be different - normal.
So, even after a long day, I dread the night. But when I think of it, it's the morning I dread. That's when all the expectations begin again and I have no energy or drive to live up to them.