There have been several people on my mind and heart lately due to the fact that they are going through exactly what I've been through before... pain, grief, sorrow, depression, confusion, anger, etc. So I thought that I would post another journal entry of mine just to share a bit of what God has shown me through my own dark periods. If you'll notice, this entry was written back in '06, which was the year my grandfather died and a year BEFORE my mother and grandmother died. I would like to say that after Mom and Granny died I was more prepared and able to handle the situation, but sadly I went through it all over again. But you know, God is awesome, faithful, merciful and kind. He didn't mind that I needed to learn the same lesson over again. He was just there. Anyway, here is the entry:
February 1, 2006
“Who am I?” That’s all I can say right now. I knew that I was angry with God. I even told Him that I was many times. I said to Him, “God, I am angry with you. I don’t want to be angry with you, but I am”.
Of course I kept thinking of Job and everything he went through. I wondered how in the world Job went through all he did, questioning God, but still was called “my servant” by God (Job 42:7).
The other night in church service, Pastor used a text out of Exodus chapter 3. As is often the case when I’ve been in the pit, God directs me to His word. I hadn’t been searching it on my own lately because I was mad at Him. But He still had something to tell me and this is what it was… “I AM WHO I AM”. The pastor’s message that Sunday night didn’t cover this passage, but God directed my eyes to continue reading past what Pastor Lee had read, and that’s when I saw the heart-stopping words of God Almighty! Moses was standing there talking to the MOST HIGH GOD, and Moses, not hearing what he wanted to hear, questions God. “Moses said to God, ‘Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them “The God of your fathers has sent me to you”, and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?’” God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM”. This is what God said to me. “Christy, you just can’t know it all. I AM WHO I AM. Just accept it, trust it, live it.” It’s like when I tell my children to so something for their own good and they resist and question, “But why?” And I respond to them at times, “You don’t have to understand it; you just have to trust it”. If I expect my children to trust me, obey me, accept me, then who am I to not trust my Heavenly Father, GOD ALMIGHTY, I AM!? I feel just as Job did after he heard the voice of God, “Then Job replied to the LORD: ‘I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted’. You asked, “Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?” Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, “Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.” My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes”’. (Job 42:1-6) The scripture goes on to tell how God prospered Job twice as much as He had before! If I continue to believe and trust what God has just revealed to me through these past several days of darkness, then I, too, will be doubly blessed!