Tuesday, April 1, 2008

solitude


I wanted to write a poem about solitude and how refreshing it can be, but then I also realized how disturbing it can be as well. I need to have peace and quiet on a daily basis, it’s just how I’m programmed and lately it seems to be more essential for me. But I’ve noticed that when I obtain the solitude that I desire, I only crave more of it. That’s what can be disturbing about solitude.

If I were able to force myself to read the Bible and meditate on the Word daily, I’m sure that eventually I would grow out of my desire to be in this place. I don’t know what I want anymore, really. Does it even matter what I want anyway? It’s not supposed to be me on the forefront of my mind; I’m to put others before myself. I haven’t the energy or the desire.

I don’t like myself – never have really. I’m not someone that I would want my children to grow up to be. I want so much more for them. I don’t know how that’s going to happen since I’m the main one who is with them and influencing them day in and day out. What a horrific realization!

2 comments:

Scott Booker said...

Except for the feelings you have for your children...I know where you are coming from.

Having some peace and quiet in your every day life is a good thing. It is a time to reflect and think about everything. (And in your case...time to think about "The Word")

Keep your chin up...you are a wonderful person!!

Trisha said...

christy,
First of all, you are an amazing mom and your children adore you.
Secondly, you , and me at times, are bying that lie that we are somehow 2nd class, not worthy, not giving 100%, I said this in another section but it can be used here too.

I had an experience Monday. I had the thought that came from Satan, "You NEVER give 100% to anything! How will you stand before the Almighty God and account for yourself?" I must admit this thought sent shivers throughout my body and I wept very hard. Then God reminded me,when I stand before him, he will say "WELL DONE". My inadequacies will be wiped away. We should do the very best we can with our kids, ask for help when we need it, and trust God to accomplish his will in our life and in theirs. After all, does God really need us in order to do that?? No, not really, although he will use us. Being willing to be used by him is far more important that what WE, as opposed to HIM, accomplish.

My advice to all of us is to, keep up the good work. He IS faithful to complete what he has started .
And love each other as he has loved us.
He WILL do the rest.

Love you,
Trisha